It has been just over a year since I suddenly found myself single after an almost ten year relationship. Despite knowing that the relationship had stagnated and that we had gone on such divergent paths that there was absolutely no way we could stay together, it was still painful. I spent a couple of days in bed, I spent several hours on the phone with some dear friends, and then I picked myself up and went back about the business of figuring about this “Beth” person. It made sense that we were ending, because I had been changing a lot over the previous two years and I was, without a doubt, NOT the same person that I had been when my ex and I got together. So, it was a good ending, after all, and once the rubble was cleared, I was more relieved than unhappy.
It has been a crazy year since then. I self-published my first novel and then was picked up by Sapphire Books Publishing to take it to paperback. Sapphire is also publishing my second book, Andy’s Song, due out in May. I went to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. I gave a couple of book readings and did well! I made new friends. I drove A LOT. I wrote an article for Lightworker’s World. I continued to ace all of my classes. Through it all, I stayed on the spiritual path that has been changing me in so many ways. (And let’s face it, these changes were truly the cause of my breakup a year ago.)
Well, I fell in love again back in September and we kind of fell into each other. I still don’t think I was on the rebound, though it was certainly a very short time after the ending of my previous relationship. I’m not going to go into the details because I have written about this relationship before and I’m still sore. Unlike my previous relationship, I didn’t feel relief at this ending. I felt and continue to feel nothing but sadness that it’s over. Yet, underneath it all, there is that understanding that I can’t walk the path I am trying to walk and be in a relationship that takes so much of my love and energy.
And now I am back to facing some concentrated alone time and coming, yet again, to the realization that alone time is just what I need right now. I need to be Beth. I need to do what I had planned on doing back when my *ex* ex and I parted. I need to concentrate on my writing. I need to finish my degree. I need to continue to search for my own spirituality, find what works for me, learn the lessons I need to learn… on my own. I need to create my own life. I do believe that we can create our own reality, for the most part. I need to figure out exactly what reality I want so that I can go about creating it.
So, I have gotten back into eating vegetarian. I am concentrating on exercising every day. I am meditating. I’m playing my banjo. I’m finding like minded people almost daily. And I am continuing to get to know this woman named Beth. You know, she’s not bad. I kind of like her.
4 thoughts on “Finding Myself… Again.”
I don’t “kind of” like her…I really like her…and I really, really like the path she’s on now!
Sometime the hardest person to know is the one we see in the mirror in the morning but it sounds to me like you’re on the way. The fact that you continue the search, that you’re not willing to settle for being less than you know you can be, shows just how strong a person you are. From what I see, the life you’re creating fits you to a “T”.
I’m sorry that your new relationship has ended, but from what little of this “Beth” person I was able to see, I liked. Rock on.
It has been a long time and I think about you often. I am glad you are on a good path and doing well. Seems like life has taken us on a similar path.. Take care….You will succeed at everything you want!!!!